9 or 10 days before basic training

He's not even gone yet and all day long I felt this ache, an empty pain in my chest. I pushed it aside and ignored it all day. I don't want to show it to the kids. Kris put them to bed and I went in after to say goodnight and give them water. While giving them water the barrier I put up started to break and tears started leaking. I maintained an even and happy tone of goodnight loves but I was rushing to get out of there before the dam broke. I went to our room where he was laying in bed reading on his phone. I clung to him and wept, feeling the ache and emptiness of missing him even though he's here in my arms. 

In this moment I can see the first several weeks after he leaves, me a lonely mess, pining for his company and strength. I'm not motivated to do anything and this is reflected in the clutter and mess accumulating throughout the house which only adds to my stress and loneliness. This is a possible outcome that is depressing, subjecting myself to self pity and helping no one. But I couldn't see a way around it. Just to experience it and get through it. One solution that could work... Maybe if someone else was here when he left that stayed with me for a week or so. That way I'll be distracted from his absence while getting used to it. Then the company that is not a part of my normal company can leave and I'll be more easily adjusted. It could work. In all of this I felt as a victim to the circumstance, helpless, powerless and doomed.

 It's awful. 

Then I switch tracks. When on this new projection my future is bright and full of possibilities. It's exciting and urgent. I'm full of power and energy to be productive and serve others. I'm "on top" of life. I live a routine that keeps my home in order, my children are seen and nurtured, all the while giving me ample free time to pursue my passions and dreams. I create a business, write more, start a podcast, market a course, and pursue knowledge in finance, business and photography. I'm a boss babe that's forceful and empowered. I'm incredibly productive and look forward to every moment in life taking advantage of the gift of time/life. I see the needs of other's and I'm able/blessed to comfort, support and help in various ways. It is GREAT! 

I want to keep my mind on this track. Have a plan in place and stick to it. Execute!  This is going to be a rollercoaster. Good thing I love theme parks.