A worthy calling... Love?

I'm listening to "Big Magic" by Elisabeth Gillbert. It's amazing! I totally agree with, well, everything she has said. Her words are good to my soul. I once took a college english class where you had to write without plan or thought. Don't edit just let everthing come out. that's hard to do but i released some amazing emotion and words that would'nt have come otherwise. I think i'lll try to do the same here. I'll let this blog be my unapoligetic writings. I do'nt care how bad it could possibly be because the sole purpose of all of this is for me, to feed my own creative needs. I do'nt even care to put out anything good or worthy of others. Just something. to create just for the sake of creating. Even typoing away feels good on my fingers. like they're finally free to do what they want to- type. When everything is quiet and still at night everyhing fades away. time. responsibility. sleep. expectations. just freeedom. it's beautiful and i love it. Then i have the thought. "What if I want to go back and read this myself? I probably couldn't bring myself to read such pointless work." Hey brain, I see you. I see what you're doing there. And here's my answer, maybe. Maybe you're right but how silly and ridiculous it would be to stop for that reason. The only reason to stop that would be acceptable would be because it doesn't serve me anymore. Because I don't enjoy it, it's hurting me or holding me back in some way. Now that does'nt mean I will do this forever. I'm sure I'll allow the excuses of life to one day, maybe even next week, to get in the way- but I hope I don't let it stop me.

I want to do something great. I have no idea what. But I feel that there is a great work in me to do and I don't know what it is to let it out. So I thought that maybe writing would help me. It's a start. When I was a little girl I wanted to be filthy stinking rich. You see we didn't have much money growing up. (Which I’m actually really grateful for because that alone taught me so much and formed the person I am today.) I wanted to be rich so that I could have a lot to give away. So little can help so much. It doesn't take a lot to help people in stressful situations. I still have this burning goal inside of me and I believe it to be worthy.

When I was 21 I went to Cordoba, Argentina for 16 months to serve the people spiritually. Talk about a little money going a long way. Just $10 American dollars could buy food for days. $3,000 America would be enough for buy a small square of land and build a humble cinder block home. That would drastically change lives! I want to change lives. I want to help. So I believe that one day I will be able to. I believe that if I put in the work and continue to do that which inspires and fires me it will lead me to treasure. Why not?! There is SO much wealth in the world. And most of it in corrupt hands that want power, more money, that deal in unholy things like drugs, sex and politics. So why shouldn't I have this wealth to do something good? As we put the kids to bed we always read a few verses from The Book of Mormon. Tonight I read what are some of the most beautiful and inspiring verses. It ALWAYS hit me in my core like lighting. Like this man who spoke these words thousands of years ago was looking right at me when he said them sometime between 544 and 421 B.C. - Jacob 2:18-19 "But before ye seek for riches, seek ye for the kingdom of God. And after ye have obtained a hope in Christ ye shall obtain riches if you seek them; and ye will seek them for the intent to do good-- to clothe the naked, and to feed the hungry, and to liberate the captive, and administer relief to the sick and the afflicted."

YE SHALL OBTAIN RICHES, IF YE SEEK THEM; AND YE WILL SEEK THEM.

That right there. It calls to me every time. Seek. Seek. Keep seeking and you will find.

So I have no idea what great or useful thing that is going to come from me. But I am a creator, teacher, writer, inventor, thinker, doer, believer, helper, seeker, motivator, speaker and forever learner. Something has to come from that. There is something that is waiting for me to find it. Someting that is waiting for me to be worthy of it. Something that is yielding me to prepare myself to be ready for it's arrival. I will prepare. I must prepare or I believe I will live the consequence of  a consumer's life and I don't believe that's my destiny. What is the consumer's life you might wonder? Well someone that spends their time consuming. Taking and not giving back. Consuming the NEVER ENDING content that there is to consume in this digital age. Forever scrolling, reading, buying.... and repeating, until they die. I will not die a consumer. I will die a creator. I will die busy in the service of The Great Creator. Please- show me what thou wouldst have me do? Oh my Creator help me to find, the light you put in me. Set it free, what you sent me here to be.

As I write this, read it and reflect on it I'm learning. I think I'm here to love. At least that's the start of this path. When I'm the best version of myself, I feel so much love. While in Argentina one of my mission companions told me that they could see me filled with love. They could physically see it radiate from me, "mucho amor". I have treasured this companion and their willingness to share that with me. In college I once tried my own personal experiment to love. I prayed without ceasing to NOT see anyone with any judgment but to find something to love in everyone. I plead to see others the way God see's them. I was so blessed. Blessed with some lovely experiences and with a forever knowledge that IT IS POSSIBLE! I would find myself passing judgment on those around me. People I didn't know. I would walk past someone and stunt myself with the shock of an unkind thought. It was like the thought wasn't even mine. I didn't want to even admit that it came from me, but it did. I thought those things and I wanted to change that. It didn't feel good. It was gross. I remember one day vividly. I was walking from the Art building (SPORI) to the Clarke. This was a path I took at the same time daily. You come to recognize other's that take the path daily too. Well, one day I passed a girl I hadn't taken note of before but today I noticed her. The following happened in moments as she walked toward me: My thought, "she's fat." I felt shame for having the thought. I immediately started a prayer, asked for forgiveness, "I'm trying, please forgive my judgements and help me to love her and see her the way you do." I then rushed to find something, anything to mentally complement her on. Her shirt wasn't that bad. It was an attempt but I would say a failed one. From here on out I noticed her frequently on my route. I would see her coming from afar, study her and try to see more than what I could see. She had beautiful eyes. To be honest, I hadn't noticed before because I was too busy noticing her flaws. She also had amazing style. I found myself wondering how and where she found clothes that were so cute, flattering and unique- especially for a girl her size. (Oh no! Did I just think that?! Ugh! Come on Kelia stop being so superficial!) It wasn't immediate but gradually, eventually I realized she was actually beautiful. Like incredibly beautiful. And I'm not just talking about physically. There was a beauty that shown from her. I could see she had a beautiful personality, her soul was happy and full of light. Now when I saw her I found myself marveling and enjoying the beauty she put into the world. She was one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen. I could feel it and I knew that God was letting me see, just a little bit, of who she really was. This experience forever changed me in a way that I still cringe when I or someone around me judges another person because of their weight

It's an amazing feeling to love. It's the best feeling there is. All we really want is love. I could write for a long time just on the things I've learned about love, and maybe I will sometime, but right now I just want to say what I feel when I feel love. When I'm full of love. And some of this might sound weird and that's ok, If you know then you'll understand what I'm talking about and if you don't then it might me weird, you tell me.

Love is pure. It feels pure. Like I am more purified when I choose love. When I act out of love and choose to respond from a place of love I feel clean. Things seem easier. It's so heavy to judge people. There's not space to judge someone (or yourself) and love them at the same time. Not in that same moment, you must pick one. So when I feel love things feel lighter, easier.

When I love I feel brighter. It's easier for me to love myself and to forgive myself. It's easier for me to forgive and let go of something painful because i'm not losing anything but gaining everything. Justice won't be served because I hold a grudge, I only further the injustice by allowing what transpired to continue to hold me back. Let it go. Be free and feel peace. Oh beautiful, sweet peace.

Love feels warm, it has a slight vibration that I can feel inside my body. It feels holy. Love feels like hope. A hope for the future and a belief that those possibilities are ACTUALLY POSSIBLE.  It's exciting and fun!

Love helps me to see the good, doubt the bad and ignore the imperfect. It's SO wonderful to ignore the imperfect. I LOVE ignoring the imperfect.

Above all- Love feels like freedom.

Freedom. What is freedom? Have you ever felt truly free? What did that feel like to you? Freedom is joyful, peaceful, loving, exciting- intoxicating. I think this is one of the highest forms of love. To be truly free. You may have experienced the "highs" of a new romance, this is where love is "blind", where it's sweet elixir releases endorphins in the most lovely way. You can be yourself and you're loved for it. You don't have to hold back or worry about judgment- you are free to be just the way you are. It's not that the other person is truly blind to your flaws but the love they have for you allows them to ignore those imperfections. In fact they might even find your imperfections endearing and lovable.

Somewhere along the the line we lose or give up this freedom. We should allow others to be un-apologetically genuine to who they really are and extend this same courtesy to ourselves.

What was the greatest act of love? "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son." God is love and freedom. Satan is hate and bondage. Can you assess yourself? Who's influence are you under?