Journal entry, hard times

 1/30/2021

Tonight I allowed myself to acknowledge some emotions...

I’m going to bed and re-reading Kris’ latest letter. Missing him. I start wishing he was here. This is hard. Keeping the house clean is hard. Feeding the family is difficult to do when things are messy and cluttered. I don’t want to cook and make a mess when there is already a mess. But when things are clean I also don’t want to make a new mess. There’s just no winning. If only Carol was here. She was so good at all of that. She would visit and help me, if she were here. I’ve been asking the girls to clean their room for days. This is how is always goes. I ask them to clean and they don’t listen. I want them to play and I don’t want them to spend their precious time crying and upset that they have to clean up. So I created systems to help with that- like only one thing out at a time. Put away barbies before you get out legos. But do they listen???!! No! Then their mess creeps out of their room to the play area then downstairs. Paisley has been doing virtual learning the last week for a sore throat. She has completely cluttered and trashed the office. I go in and clean it up but it’s still a mess. When Kris is here it’s a tag team. When I lose patience he has it and helps, when he loses patience I stay calm and in control. But being by myself I don’t have that liberty. It was such a HUGE relief to have Sandra’s help but she was unexpectedly called away for Covid-distribution (She’s in Air Force reserves) Now I’m alone again. And its hard. I find myself to cope with it being a complete child in that I do the things i want to do, the things i enjoy or find fun and exciting. So... not cooking meals but making treats, Not staying up late to clean up but to edit pictures, study for my hypnotherapy class or just scroll facebook. 

So tonight as I’m crying and wishing Kris was here, wishing Carol was here I decided I should read my scriptures. As my thoughts turned to the scriptures one came to my mind, “wherefore, fear not and be of good cheer” So I searched that sentence in LDS scripture app and the only thing that came up was D&C 68:6 “Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not Drea, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, the Son of the living God, that I was, that I am, and that I am to come.” 

This immediately calmed me down. It’s peaceful that even if I feel like my environment isn’t the most holy... dirty and cluttered, the lord is still here with me. That he is aware of me, it’s like he still approves of me and my situation even though I don’t approve. This scripture also struck a cord with me because this is similar wording to the revelation given to me in the temple June 2019. 

I continued to read more passages from this chapter and was struck by vs 30-31. “And the Inhabitants of Zion also shall remember their labors, inasmuch as they are appointed to labor in all faithfulness; for the Idler shall be had in remembrance fore the lord. Now, I, The lord, am not well pleased with the inhabitants of Zion for there are idlers among them; and their children are also growing up in wickedness; they also see not earnestly the riches of eternity fo their eye are full of greediness. 

This was a great wake up call to STOP SCROLLING. The Lord will remember our idleness.